No Is Not a Four-Letter Word: Yes, You Really Need to Learn How to Say No & Here's Why by Andi Simon
The demands on your time can be overwhelming – and yet instead of easing up, they keep coming as seemingly everyone has a request. Maybe it's an organization that needs volunteers for an upcoming event – yet again. Perhaps it’s your boss, who comes to you first because you always pitch in while others beg out of additional assignments. Or it could be a close friend who needs a favor, another favor and yet another favor
Your to-do list is already filled to overflowing, but guilt sets in whenever you try to utter the simple word “no.”
Say the word anyway if commitments are stacking up and another one is going to just add to your stress. It’s worth noting that you aren't the only one who has trouble saying no. In a review of research on the subject, social psychologist Vanessa K. Bohns wrote that “many people agree to things – even things they would prefer not to do – simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying "no."
Bohns further wrote that refusing to take no for an answer is a good strategy on the requester’s part because research showed that people “found it just as uncomfortable – seemingly more so – to refuse someone a second time.
Stories About Saying No
I recently participated in a roundtable discussion about the difficulties of saying no, especially to people who have come to expect that you will always say yes. The stories people told proved jarring.
One woman provided pro-bono support to a non-profit that needed assistance with its website. She kept thinking that her project was completed, but they kept asking for "just one more change." Finally, she had to say no and they were very angry at her.
Another participant turned away a potential client because she did not think she could provide the support that was needed. But she was dealing with someone who did not want to take no for an answer. Ultimately, she stuck with her no, but both she and the potential client ended up with a bad feeling about their relationship.
A third participant was a leader of a group in his company. At times he had to take what others thought were good ideas and say, “No, that isn’t a good idea.”
He had no way to say that diplomatically and ended up being labeled as a boss who wasn’t creative or innovative. He felt he was managing within the limits he had available to bring new ideas to market.
Sometimes yes may indeed be the correct response, but the ability to set boundaries and say no is important. Some things worth knowing about saying no include:
- It’s essential that you take care of you. Sure, it’s nice to help others when you can, but saying yes even when you long to say no can result in people expecting they can always turn to you – and that becomes overwhelming after a while. The challenge with expectation management is just that. How do we manage expectations so we protect our own "brand" and our identity, retain our respect and that of others, and still show people why their desires are not ones you are going to fulfill their way. Is it bad to take care of you?
- Saying no doesn’t mean you’re a bad person who can’t be counted on. Don’t let the discomfort caused by saying no force you into doing something you prefer not to do. It isn’t terrible to find yourself saying to someone, "I’m sorry, I simply cannot do that by the time you would like me to." It’s not a problem and once you do it you will just begin to say no more often. Just pick carefully the requests you agree to and those you turn down.
- Everyone needs time for themselves. Most people realize it’s important to use their time wisely, but part of using it wisely is to set aside quiet time for yourself. That’s difficult to do if you’re acquiescing to every request that comes in via email, text message or someone knocking on your office door. Quiet lets the brain stop moving for a moment and it really works well.
You can only do so much. It’s important to keep in mind that "no" is not a four-letter word.
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