Conscious Rebirth: How Natural Childbirth Transformed My Life! Birth Stories
Something inside me broke open during the birth of my son. At the time, I didn’t understand what was happening because I couldn’t put it into words – and it was happening on an entirely spiritual level.
I remember thinking that the pain was never going to end and that I couldn’t go on, but the sense of responsibility I felt to my son forced me to go on regardless of what I wanted. There was no way out of my circumstance. Helplessness permeated my being, starting a storm inside me. I recognized this place. I couldn’t yell out for help, but desperately needed to, and this was symbolic of how I’d been living my life. The perfect image I’d created to protect myself was like a noose tightening around my neck, to silence my pain.
I was so deep inside myself that as I watched myself from the outside, I saw myself clearly for the first time. I entered into my own darkness, a place I tried to escape from my entire life. A lifetime of swallowed screams and terror surfacing from underneath, seeping out of my bones, and with every contraction the door pushed open a little more. At 10cm I slammed on the brakes, my two worlds colliding. The delivery nurse looked me directly in the eyes and said, “You are fighting yourself.” The truth in her words was felt with a depth that shook me to the core.
For the first time, I rooted myself to the earth and, as if suddenly lit on fire, I knew I had to surrender to the pain, trusting that I would survive to give birth to my son. I had to make that choice. A strength I vaguely remembered took over, and my will was reignited in spirit. When my son took his first breath, the only thing that was real was the pain I had been hiding from, no longer hidden. I was so far removed from myself, the image I had created to survive, while at the same time closer than I had ever been.
My son was created in pure love. It is a memory frozen outside time that was meant to be, and it has not escaped my awareness the significance of the seeds we plant. The truth is, my son birthed me.
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