#30Seconds In-Depth: Navigating Your Caregiver Journey – How to Plan for Aging Parents With Debbie Howard! by Nicole DeAvilla

Many of you may already be considered part of the “sandwich generation,” with children still at home and growing responsibilities and concerns about your parents as they age and start to experience health issues. We were thrilled to welcome one of our newest #30Seconds contributors, Debbie Howard, as our #30Seconds Twitter chat guest this week. Debbie served as the live-in caregiver for her mom through her mom’s diagnosis and death from Stage 4 lung cancer, all while running her business in Tokyo, Japan, from her mom’s dining room table in South Carolina. Her book, “The Caregiving Journey: How to Survive and Thrive One Step at a Time,” will be available in early 2018. Debbie shared her tips on planning for aging parents, and having those sensitive and sometimes difficult conversations needed to help you get a good plan in place. 

Q: Why is it important to have a solid plan in place for the time when you might need to help your parents with their daily living needs?

With over 70 million baby boomers moving into their later years, the chances are high that you will need to step in to help your parents. Over HALF of you aged 40 plus will serve as caregivers in the near future. Even at younger ages, the percentages are increasing every year. Right now, 20 percent of all caregivers in the U.S. are aged under 40. Having a plan in place gives you options and a chance to make the situation the best it can be.

#30Seconds 🌀🌀 That is truly alarming

— Rachel Lewter (@toomuch4ne1) November 16, 2017

A1 I think it's important to be prepared b/c you never know. It's good to have things planned out in that event #30Seconds

— Sharon (@PinkHippo13) November 16, 2017

Q: But how can we plan for something we cannot imagine?

Actually, we know a lot about aging and what happens, and we can look at family history to give us more of a crystal ball. We know that there will come a day when our parents may no longer be able to take care of themselves. We know that as people age, the chances of a “trigger event” occurring increase, such as a fall that requires hip or knee surgery. Or it could be a heart attack or stroke, or even just reduced mobility from a combination of health conditions – diabetes, obesity, etc.

A1 Planning cuts down on stress and anxiety. Preventive measures help with the unexpected. #30Seconds

— Raquel Masco (@mommade4change) November 16, 2017

Q: What are the benefits of having a well thought out plan for the future needs of our parents?

Spending one hour on planning saves 10 times in execution – we know that from business, and we know that from being moms. It’s easier to modify a plan than to create a plan from scratch. Having a plan helps you avoid misunderstandings – not only with your parents, but also with your siblings, as to who does what. Having a plan gives you more flexibility and choices for when the going gets tough.

#30seconds A3 You won't be so overwhelmed. And you will know just what the person's wishes are.

— lorri langmaid (@lorri1956) November 16, 2017

A3 When we plan our parents wishes can be met when the time comes and we are empowered in the execution of the plans. #30Seconds

— Raquel Masco (@mommade4change) November 16, 2017

Q: What are some of the fears that we all experience when we think of having these types of conversations?

• My parent or parents will be offended and feel as though I’m rushing things.
• We’ve never been able to discuss this type of serious topic without getting into a big fight.
• There’s never a good time or chance to start this conversation.
• I don’t want to ruin the holidays!

I feel like crying. The topic has been on my mind..and heart for a while now. Needed this chat tonight. Thank you💕 #30Seconds

— Raquel Masco (@mommade4change) November 16, 2017

#30Seconds Been there a lot over the last year. And they told us we were difficult growing up, #reversal of roles and personalities at times.

— Rachel Lewter (@toomuch4ne1) November 16, 2017

Q: What are the key planning basics at the beginning?

If you’re starting from scratch, take stock of what you currently know in terms of important details. Things like: social security numbers, birth certificates, insurance, medical history, financial and legal obligations. Be honest with yourself. How far along are you in terms of making a serious plan for addressing your loved one’s future needs? Include end-of-life wishes, as well as assessment of their physical, mental and social condition, and daily living challenges.

A5 That's a great question. I'm not sure besides putting money aside each month #30Seconds

— Sharon (@PinkHippo13) November 16, 2017

Right now trying to help my parents take care of my grandma who 95 #30seconds

— dadsAdventuredaycare (@procm2) November 16, 2017

Q: How about later in the planning stages. What kinds of things do we need to think about?

Make a master checklist to determine what you may still be missing, such as legal and medical powers of attorney, DNR and living will. Be sure to discuss with your siblings about “who will help” when the time comes. Identify available community resources (in-home help, support groups, meal delivery services, etc.). Don’t forget to allow time for your own self-care (me-time, adequate sleep, nourishing food, adequate exercise, enlightening moments).

We don't want to think about these things, but they are important. My dad had a heart attack and then quadruple bypass surgery and I was so unprepared. #30seconds

— Elisa All Schmitz (@elisatalk) November 16, 2017

This might be even more important than we think I know that a lot of resentment builds up between siblings based on who’s doing the help #30seconds

— Chefgigi (@chefgigi) November 16, 2017

Q: What are the most important things to keep in mind when we are approaching our parents to talk about their future needs?

This isn’t about YOU; it’s about listening to and understanding how your parent feels about their living circumstances going forward. It’s about how THEY see themselves moving toward their later years and end of life, and how you can help them meet their goals. This is a practical consideration of the available options so that everyone – both your parents and YOU – can achieve a good outcome. Having a good plan will give you and your parents more flexibility and choice in the long run.

So easy to forget to take care of ourselves, yet so important. #30Seconds

— Nicole DeAvilla (@NicoleDeAvilla) November 16, 2017

A7 Pick the right time. Pick a relaxing environment too #30Seconds

— Sharon (@PinkHippo13) November 16, 2017

Q: What are some key planning tips from your upcoming book, “The Caregiving Journey: How to Survive & Thrive One Step at a Time”?

Planning is one of the best choices you can make to help make your caregiving days brighter and more enjoyable. Even though most people don’t start until “something happens” to force them into action, that doesn’t have to be true for YOU. Making a plan is a process; it usually takes several conversations to get your planning where it needs to be. Starting sooner is better! A key component to your caregiving plan is your own plan for self-care. You can’t help others if your energy and reserves are depleted!

My caregiving years were the most difficult job I've ever done, but also the most rewarding and meaningful! #30Seconds https://t.co/CLfNIuV99M

— Debbie (@debbiethecarer) November 16, 2017

Q: What if my caregiving responsibilities have already started? What are some things to keep in mind?

At first, you may be asked for only a little support, for example, going to doctor visits together or running errands. As your parent ages and needs more help with daily living, you may need to consider adding paid professional help to back you up. For the long-term, you’ll want to be flexible enough to “change the plan” when and if emergencies arise.

Thanks @debbiethecarer for sharing you wisdom with us tonight. @30seconds for the platform to meet and chat together. #30seconds

— Rachel Lewter (@toomuch4ne1) November 16, 2017

Be sure to follow @debbiethecarer, visit TheCareGivingJourney.com, like her on Facebook and read Debbie Howard's 30Seconds tips!