Have a Toddler? 10 Wacky (But Accurate) Ways to Identify the Toddler Stage by Tracy Neubauer-Cunningham

When people say toddlers are crazy ... DUH!!! It’s life in a circus with a ring leader who is strung out on meth and has anger issues; a mix between a rabid animal and psychopath. Here's help with identifying if you are in the toddler stage:

• Have you ever looked at a toddler running around and thought, “Are you on speed?” They are tiny Ninja Warrior contestants.

• Toddlers live by the rule of doing the opposite. "Put on your shoes" translates to sitting quietly taking off their pants.

• You no longer fantasize about being rich with a perfect body – you fantasize about sleep. Sleeping for hours … days … weeks.

• You have become a shut-in to avoid public meltdowns.

• You say, “stop eating couch food” or “car seat food” habitually.

• You can now sleep with your eyes open.

• You regularly have five to 15 bags of snacks open that will never be fully eaten.

• Preparation for bedtime routine is three to five hours before actual bedtime.

• You would rather have a public colonoscopy than take your child to a restaurant.

• Leaving the house is minimally a 40-minute process of selective bargaining.

It’s a war zone. Be OK with walking on crumbs; stock up on cleaner and disinfectant wipes. Applaud your abilities to reason with the most diabolical masterminds you will ever encounter.

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