Keep Thanksgiving Fun: Why Setting & Maintaining Holiday Boundaries Is an Act of Self-Care by Elisa Schmitz

I'm a firm believer that the holidays should be fun. I have fond childhood memories of my Old World grandmother hosting incredible family gatherings with tables full of delicious homemade food for dozens of people – without even breaking a sweat. Her seemingly effortless ability to create festive holiday magic was something I aspired to as I raised my own family. Despite now knowing that Grandma put in weeks of hard work preparing for those holiday feasts in order for them to appear effortless – and it probably took her weeks to recover from them, too – I’m grateful to say that my home is the place where family comes to enjoy and celebrate.

Except that it’s become a lot harder in the last few years. I’m sure the added stress from enduring the pandemic, our bitterly divided political climate and, heck, even just getting older all take their toll and make holiday gatherings feel a little less fun and a lot more work.

This photo of my kids and me, and the drawing below made by my daughter Cassie, are from Thanksgiving 2012.

That’s where boundaries come in. We hear a lot about the importance of self-care and, to me, setting and maintaining boundaries is a huge part of that. I’m just starting to figure out how to set and maintain boundaries when it comes to the holidays. I want everyone to feel included, have a good time and enjoy the magic – as I remember doing with Grandma at the helm – but that takes a lot out of me. Enter holiday boundaries. I like to think of boundaries as guardrails helping to keep me safe and protected.

At the top of my list of holiday boundaries this year is smaller gatherings. Rather than host one big gathering during which I’m constantly stressed, we’ve decided to limit our gatherings to a manageable number (around six people). That way, I can have more fun in the following ways:

• Food prep is easier. I can try out different recipes that appeal to different people at each gathering, and I don’t have to make double or triple batches of each dish.

• Cleaning up isn’t as daunting. Cooking for fewer people at a time means fewer pots, pans and plates need to be used, which translates to quicker cleanup.

• I can actually talk to each guest and make them feel heard. I find that when a gathering is too large, people often fight for airtime and, when they can’t get undivided attention, the day doesn’t feel as special.

The most important thing I try to remember is that it’s not all on me to ensure everyone has a perfect Thanksgiving. Our 30Seconds contributor Dr. Bethany Cook, clinical psychologist, says it best: “You aren’t responsible for making sure everyone in your extended family has a ‘happy holiday season.’” This is hard for me, but I’m working on it! (You can read more from Dr. Bethany in her featured article where she shares seven things to think about before holiday visits with family.)

So, as we head into Thanksgiving and the rest of the holiday season, I’d like to suggest, as an act of self-care, to come up with – then hold onto – your boundaries. I hope they help you enjoy your family even more during this special time of year. With a heart filled with gratitude, I'm wishing you a fun, healthy and happy Thanksgiving!

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