The Difference Between Sex & Intimacy: My Path to a Better Relationship With My Husband by Leona Carter

Are you a married woman looking for a better love life with your husband? Do you ever feel like all you want to do is cuddle with no expectation of “sex” tonight with your husband? You love your husband with all your heart and appreciate all the things he does for you, but when it comes to expressing your love during physical intimacy it does not translate the same; it comes across like, “I don’t love you,” but that’s not the case at all.

You feel like something is wrong with you because your sex drive is non-existent. You know he loves you and you wish you could express the same passion, but you can’t. You love to cuddle and watch movies together and thoroughly enjoy his company, but once it’s time to go to the bedroom you truly want to run or hide because you are just not “in the mood” to get physical. You just want to spoon – with clothes on – and fall asleep. Inside you feel torn and outside your husband looks pissed, which makes you feel more torn. You feel like you can't be what he needs you to be.

It feels awful to go through this week after week, year after year. You don’t know why you are wired like this. All of your girlfriends seem to love sex and can’t get enough of it, but that is not your story. You had a therapist ask you if you have been sexually molested as a child, but you haven’t and can’t explain why this is the hand you have been dealt. You may think I am describing you, but I am describing my story.

After my honeymoon 24 years ago, I told my best friend, “I don’t know if I can do this every day.” I knew then something was different with me. I didn’t know exactly how I should feel, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t like this. I adored this new husband of mine and he made me feel special in all the right ways and I wanted to reciprocate that for him, but I had a long journey ahead of me.

I have refocused what I thought I was supposed to bring to my bedroom. I was so focused on getting “sex” right or avoiding it all together that I couldn’t think about anything else. But here I am, years later, building intimacy with my husband. Yeah, building intimacy. I didn’t know the difference between having sex and building intimacy. They were the same thing as far as I was concerned. But, now I know they are not.

Even to this day, I continue honoring my bedroom by being intentional about building intimacy with my husband. Now I can communicate to my husband in ways that don’t make me feel inadequate, unskilled or less than a wife.

I learned I was not alone.

I was feeling low confidence and self-esteem in the bedroom. I was struggling in silence. I had unexplained feelings my husband didn’t seem to understand. I was super grateful for my husband but had trouble expressing it during sex. I went from feeling like I don’t measure up to really valuing my life commitment by building long-lasting intimacy with my husband.

Sex or intimacy? Learning the difference and building true, long-lasting intimacy with my husband was not always easy – but necessary. 

How did I do it? Stay tuned for my next 30Seconds tip. 

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