Reflections of Loss, Gratitude & Growth: A Letter to My Father by Samantha Harris

My son was born on your birthday.

I work so hard to give him a life that was better than what you had. I tell him I love him every day. I try so hard to let him know he is loved and supported and can accomplish all things he sets his mind to. I teach him not to fear failure because he is never alone.

He often cries at night. Ever since he was born. When he was a baby he feared monsters would take him. Now that he is older he fears that death will take him and everyone he loves. I hold him close and can't help but think of you. Were you afraid in your last moments? How could you not be? Did you ever hold me and wonder what life was going to be like for your children when you were gone? Did you try to make me tough so I can take on the world after you were gone? Did you miss me even before our last moments came?

I think about all the years I never got to spend with you and I take the cumulation of the love that would have been shared and I give it to my kids. I love them as much as I missed your love as a kid. I love them as much as I'm sure you wanted to be here with me. I love them as much as you deserved to be loved as a child so that ... maybe ... maybe they won't ever think about making the choices you did. Maybe they won't ever want to hurt themselves in that way. Maybe all the extra love they receive leftover from all the years I missed out on you I can build an armor around them to protect them from all that took you from us.

I used to dream of time travel and alternate dimensions so I could save you, so I could see you. I accept what happened now. I accept my life for what it is. It shaped who I am now. It has made me a wiser parent and a stronger person.

I don't have to ask you anymore if you would be proud of me. I look at my children and I know you would be.

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