Wet Shoelaces Suck: 10 Things Parenting Books Don’t Teach You by Donna John

There are just some experiences parents must learn firsthand. Here are 10 things that you’ll never learn by reading one of those parenting books:

1. Getting knots out of wet shoelaces is easier done with your teeth, with the shoe still on your child while they are yelling “hurry up!”
2. Who needs a sewing machine? Girl Scout and Boy Scout patches can be put on with a hot glue gun – or even a stapler.
3. Gifts for all occasions can be made out of craft sticks, twigs, aluminum foil, glue, empty toilet paper rings, tape and construction paper.
4. The most precious gift you will ever receive will be made out of craft sticks, twigs, aluminum foil, glue, empty toilet paper rings, tape and construction paper.
5. Playpens, baby swings, basketball goals and other large items can be considered pieces of furniture. Make sure the playpen is placed where it is the focal point of the room. Those bright colored clowns mix well with any décor.
6. To make it more convenient for your child, move all your furniture into the garage or a storage facility. This should give them adequate room to play.
7. You will never take a “quick walk around the block” with your child. Every rock will have to be picked up, every flower smelled, every dog petted and every twig inspected.
8. When the phone rings, your child will switch into “fast forward.” By the time you’ve said “hello,” they will have broken something, stuck gum all over the dog, consumed half a package of cookies and thought of a hundred questions that have to be answered right now. (This could apply to your husband we well.)
9. Expect it to take at least six months to read an average book. If your memory is not so good, allot another month to reread the first chapters so you can actually follow what’s going on.
10. If you have to leave at 5:30, be ready at 5:15. At 5:29 your child will decide to paint his face, let the dog out, the phone will ring and your child’s shoes will mysteriously vanish (or have a wet knot in them).

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