Teenagehood has entered our household, and my once-sunny daughter is now frequently sullen and withdrawn. It's hard to watch these young brains lurch in between childhood and growing independence, and it's very sad to let go of the little girl. But I know that this is an important part of her development, as she becomes more independent so that she can function on her own one day. Of course, I do want to keep the lines of communication open, and I'm grateful for two things:
- Being able to remember not to take her behavior personally – that every time she pushes away, she's doing what she's biologically wired to do.
- My work to meet her where she is, which is really paying off. When she does come chattering into my world – be it in the car after camp pickup or in a sudden burst of giggles over an inside joke with her sister – I drop everything and engage, fully present. She may not want to share the joke with me, so I start fake complaining that I'm being "dis-included" and how can I ever get smart if she doesn't clue me in – or act like I'm trying to sneak into the conversation.
I soak up every detail from what she does choose to share, no matter how seemingly "trivial" the topic might be to me. If she wants to talk about eye shadow or needing fingernail glue (I wouldn't know a fake fingernail if it hit me in the head), that's totally fine. By hardcore listening and showing my early teen that I want to hear about what is important to her, she knows she can trust me.
I'm giving lots of validation and positive reinforcement with phrases like, "What a great story!" and "I'm soooooo glad you told me about that." And if she's talking a blue streak and we're driving, I'll make a detour by the frozen yogurt shop to make sure I get every last drop of what she wants to share – and to reinforce that sharing with mom can still lead to sticky sweetness!
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