Panic Attacks, Death & Life Lessons: Life Is Meant to Be Experienced Together Mental Health Mindfulness

My panic attacks began around age 8, when I learned my dad was going to die.

I didn't know what it was. I would lock myself in the bathroom or hide. The thought of death made me ill. I realized if he could die, I could die, my mom could die, everyone I loved could and will one day die and there is nothing, nothing I can do to stop it. But I didn't tell anyone.

I felt like I was infected. I felt like no one else could possibly think about these things or feel these things because, if they did, how could they ever be happy? How could they live knowing that everyone they ever loved would one day be taken away from them? So I kept it all to myself. I refused to be the one that infected anyone else with these thoughts.

The night I told my children their Grand Uncle had passed was very hard. While my oldest has learned to handle his anxiety over death, this was a new feeling for my youngest.

"Why do we have to die? Why do I feel this way?"

When I heard him say this, I immediately went back to that little girl locked in the bathroom.

And I realized, this is why. This moment is why I went through that, so that I could take my experience and use it to make my son's experience a little easier.

Everything that happens, everything we do in life, is to learn and experience together. We are social creatures by nature because we are supposed to celebrate and mourn together. We are supposed to support each other by sharing our experiences.

"I can't do this!"

When I heard that, I thought of when my son was born and how I screamed the same thing because the pain was too much. But I could do it and I did do it with the support of my husband and doctors. As I told my son this story, I assured him that he can do this, too, and throughout his life he will do things he thought he couldn't bare again and again, but he never has to do it alone.

He regrets not having more time with his uncle and missing the last few moments he could have had. This sort of regret will never leave him, I know, because I carry a similar list of people in my heart, too. They remind me not to take anyone or anything for granted, least of all time. They remind me to love freely. They remind me to open my eyes and really see the beautiful world around me.

Learn more about panic attacks. 

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