Owning Mom Fails & Strengths With Psychologist Dr. Christi Hibbert! by Renee
Still trying to master motherhood? Aren’t we all? This week we were thrilled to welcome 30Seconds contributor Dr. Christina Hibbert as our Twitter chat guest! Dr. Christi is a clinical psychologist specializing in maternal mental health, grief/loss, parenting, self-esteem/self-worth and personal growth. Dr. Christi is also a bestselling author, blogger, speaker and married mom of six!
The hashtag “#MotherOfTheYear” has come to represent our mom fails, but Dr. Christi Hibbert, recently named 2018 Arizona Mother of the Year, is taking it back, telling moms, “Don’t shrink; shine! No matter your mistakes, you are exceptional!” Why do we moms so often minimize the good in us? And how do we shine without seeming conceited or proud? Humility doesn’t mean shrinking – and self-confidence isn’t conceit. Read on to learn these crucial skills of motherhood mastery...
Q: First, I think we all want to know about your Mother of the Year award! How did that come about, and what does it mean to you?
It was quite a shock, actually! I was nominated by a friend, then submitted a portfolio and received a call that I’d been chosen as Arizona’s Mother of the Year by American Mothers, creators of the Mother of the Year award since 1935! All I can say is I wasn’t chosen cause I’m a supermom. No one came and observed my mothering or housekeeping skills. No one checked with CPS to make sure I had no record or interviewed my kids! Being Mother of the Year is a great honor, but even more so an incredible opportunity to reach other moms and serve mothers on a broader scale, which is what I love to do! I’d already been working on my latest book project, 'Mastery of Motherhood,' and this will allow me to reach so many more mothers with the message of the book: Not only is 'Mastery of Motherhood' possible; it’s our destiny as moms!
I just read the info on her website and wow, incredible stuff. This book is going to the top of my reading list. ❤️ #30Seconds
— Lori Leal (@LoriLeal1) May 10, 2018
Q: What do you say to moms out there who may be thinking, “That’s awesome for you, but I will never be a Mother of the Year” or “Master Mom?”
I say, I said the exact same thing! Years ago, after seeing a Mother of the Year in a magazine (who was gorgeous and happy and had seven kids – yikes!), I wrote, "I will never be a mom like that.'" I honestly thought there was NO way! A couple years later, after my sister and brother-in-law died and we inherited our two nephews, I had our fourth baby, and suddenly I was a mom of six (yikes!), I wrote that even though I’d never BE a Mother of the Year, I could FEEL like one as I raised this new family.
#30Seconds A2 I think if we try our best, love and protect our children, and do right by them, we all on the right road.
— lorri langmaid (@lorri1956) May 10, 2018
Fast forward to last month and there I was accepting a medal that actually said, "Mother of the Year!" Never say never, my friends! I’m embracing this award, because I believe we moms deserve and NEED to be celebrated! Too often, we shy away, thinking we don’t deserve it, but we do!! I’m working on that personally and it’s my mission to help other moms do the same!
I think everybody has their moments!!! Somedays we're supermom other days we wish we could just be left alone. Its hit and miss with me!! #30Seconds
— Heather thomas (@Heatherht2018) May 10, 2018
Q: So true! Mothers deserve so much love and adulation, and not only on Mother’s Day. Why do you think we shy away from it?
We moms shy away from being celebrated for several reasons:
- Because we’re so focused on celebrating our kids and others (and we’re good at it!) that we feel we shouldn’t shift the focus to ourselves. It’s not what a “good mom” would do. (Wrong!)
- So many mothers feel they’re doing a “bad job.” We think we’re failing, not doing it well enough, or that we’re a “terrible mom.” I can relate; so many years I’ve sobbed on Mother’s Day feeling like I just didn’t measure up.
- We are so hard on ourselves, emphasizing our weaknesses and others’ strengths! I see it all the time with the moms I work with: comparison. And comparison is the thief of joy! Social media makes this especially tough.
- We struggle to “be real” on social media, and yet assume everyone else IS. We assume the “perfect life” we see online is REAL, but I assure you, it's NOT! We measure our own messy lives against this perfection and shrink because we don’t measure up.
- We’ve even taken the term “Mother of the Year” and turned it into a hashtag for our #momfails! Which, yes, can be funny, but also, why can’t we just celebrate ourselves instead of minimizing ourselves?
I think as a Mother we are always striving to do better & think we aren’t doing a great job even though we are #30Seconds
— 🌸🌸Kim🌸🌸 (@mommy3sons) May 10, 2018
Yes! You can't pour from an empty cup! #30seconds
— Renee (@HerrenRenee) May 10, 2018
Q: You’re right! #MotherOfTheYear is usually used to reflect our #momfails instead of to help us shine, but isn’t that just because we don’t want to brag? Aren’t we just being humble?
I think that’s what we THINK we’re doing. We THINK we’re being humble by emphasizing our mom fails and sometimes, we are. But often, especially with moms, it’s really done out of insecurity. It’s one thing to share how I forgot to change my kid’s Band-Aid for so long that the preschool teacher had to ask me to do it, because “it smells!” It’s another to constantly emphasize our failures on social media or even just in our minds.
Listen to my #MotherOfTheYear speech, “#Mothers are exceptional!” here→ https://t.co/1oknWHis9N #motherhood #30Seconds #30Seconds #mothersday
— Dr Christina Hibbert (@DrCHibbert) May 10, 2018
When we feel we don’t “measure up” to the perfection we perceive around us, we emphasize what we’re doing wrong and fail to see anything right. That’s not realistic. We ALL fail sometimes, but NONE of us IS a failure. Too many moms feel like failures. Let me tell you, you’re doing better than you think you are!! You are exceptional! I FEEL your exceptionality! It’s time to feel it yourself, embrace it and let yourself shine! When we moms shine, we do SO MUCH GOOD!
We moms are the worst about minimizing all we do as mothers, thinking we’re not good enough and shrinking to be humble. But I’ve learned when it comes to humility and pride and self-confidence, we’ve often got it wrong.
A waitress at the restaurant my sons work at came up to me recently and said I deserved this award for raising my kids to be nice people. I will never forget her doing that @30seconds @DrCHibbert #30seconds pic.twitter.com/XY7Ihghowz
— Amy Carney (@AmyLCarney) May 10, 2018
Q: Explain more of what you mean about that. How have moms got it wrong when it comes to humility, self-confidence and self-worth?
We moms think “being humble” means shrinking, minimizing or deflecting the good and strengths in us, and instead only emphasizing the good in OTHERS. True, humility is not shrinking; it is learning our true worth, FEELING that worth and acting from that place of self-worth, being 100 percent authentic and REAL. It’s saying, “This is who I am, the good, bad, ugly and exceptional!” And letting your light shine!
New #goal! Accept compliments, give more compliments, and brag a little. #30seconds
— Renee (@HerrenRenee) May 10, 2018
We also get self-confidence wrong. We think it’s based on what we do or how we act or what we think or feel. It’s not. True self-confidence is actually the SAME as true humility. It’s about self-worth. As we work to comprehend our true, divine worth and to feel it, we will act from that place of true self-confidence, knowing and accepting who we TRULY are. This is humility and self-confidence. Humbly shining as we get out there and “do our thing!”
I try to remind myself that when I do get upset/mad/frustrated/sad in front of my son, the important part is to show him how to pick up and keep going. Everyone has their moments. It's how we recover from them that matters, and can definitely be a teachable moment! #30Seconds
— Lori Leal (@LoriLeal1) May 10, 2018
Q: Wow. That’s gotten us thinking! How can we develop true humility and self-confidence? And how do we strike that right “balance” between them?
I always say, balance is really about choices. When we make good choices, “right” choices (for us and our family), we FEEL balanced. I’ve heard people say, “I have too MUCH self-confidence,” but that’s not possible. “Too much” of anything is un-balanced. Over-confidence is really just another form of insecurity.
The Greatest Battles of #motherhood are won within... <3 #30Seconds pic.twitter.com/5cG6B2HigD
— Dr Christina Hibbert (@DrCHibbert) May 10, 2018
On the flip side, “too much” humility usually looks like shrinking and hiding and minimizing oneself. That’s insecurity, too. Ultimately, it’s not about “finding balance” between self-confidence and humility; it’s about feeling your true worth. When we know and accept who we truly are, we’re no longer “trying” to be humble or self-confident. We just ARE.
As I wrote in “This Is How We Grow”: it’s exhausting being who I THINK I am. Isn’t it true?! When we TRY to be someone, we’re failing to be who we actually ARE. And who we actually ARE, I’ve learned from working with hundreds over the years as a psychologist, is BEAUTIFUL. Yes, we can improve and grow (and hopefully we do!), but we are ALL more incredible than we let ourselves believe!
There are others on my site and a 3 minute therapy video on sibling loss on my YouTube channel, too! Hope they help! https://t.co/kX5ohhrTuR #30Seconds https://t.co/1KC33uh39C
— Dr Christina Hibbert (@DrCHibbert) May 10, 2018
Q: Where do we begin to see and feel our true beauty, as moms, as women, as human beings?
We begin by choosing to let go of all the “trying.” Let go of the need to be SOMEONE and learn to be YOURSELF, 100 percent. For most, it takes time and lots of work to override the past patterns of insecurity and to FEEL and embrace self-worth, but I can tell you for sure that is possible for ALL!
Underneath all the bad stuff lies #insecurity. #30Seconds pic.twitter.com/4GmCo7u0Hv
— Dr Christina Hibbert (@DrCHibbert) May 10, 2018
My new book, “Mastery of Motherhood” will show you how! I’ve come up with 10 “Zones of M.O.M.” which we focus on to overcome, become and flourish, starting with the zone of Identity and Self-Worth, which is core to all others. Subscribe on my website, DrChristinaHibbert.com, to receive my upcoming FREE video series introducing these 10 Zones of Mastery of Motherhood and more! And take the Mastery of Motherhood survey to be part of my book and the community I’m building to helps all moms “master” motherhood!
A7: for me? acceptance of my self, with all faults!! through the support of this tribe. i learned i was ok and doing just fine #30seconds
— Holly @Tweenspot (@tweenspot) May 10, 2018
Above all else, remember, you ARE exceptional! You may not feel or believe it yet, but believe me, if you’re a mom (or a dad or parent), you have greater potential than you realize! Never give up on yourself! It all starts in our minds. What we believe becomes our reality. Choose to believe in YOU! Then, do the work to back it up. Visit my website for FREE resources on all we talked about tonight and “choose to grow” with me!
Be sure to follow @DrCHibbert, visit DrChristinaHibbert.com, like her on Facebook and read her 30Seconds tips!
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