Parent Shaming: Stepparent Shaming Is Real, Too (Sorry, Cinderella) by Bri Montoya

Love this, Bri Montoya ! Check this out, Mercedes Samudio !

Great tip, Bri Montoya . As a step-parent myself, I really appreciate this, thank you! xo

I thought I would be an amazing stepmom. I read all the articles and books. Six years later we are still figuring things out. The thing is that i love these kids and want to be part of their lives. Prayer and patience keep me hopeful that one day we truly will be a blended family.

This is awesome! I'm all about this mission #endparentshaming and I think it's so important to families who don't fit the traditional family ideal. Thanks for this article.

I have 2 stepchildren who were 9 & 11 when we married 20 yrs ago (can’t believe it’s been that long) and I was ecstatic about having instant kids. However their mother wasn’t ecstatic about her kids having a stepmother and she put us all through hell. She was very resentful of my husband’s decision to get the divorce that she constantly told the kids terrible things about us. Making derogatory and petty comments in an effort to discredit us in hopes the kids wouldn’t want anything to do with us. Mostly me though, I was criticized for the way I washed their clothes or wouldn’t allow them to have pop-tarts and lucky charms (together) for breakfast. You name it, she said it and if my husband said anything to her it only made it worse. In the long run the kids didn’t want to told bad things about their dad and wished he’d made her stop, but they couldn’t express that at the time, so they took their anger and frustration out on me. I was the proxy, they could say the things to me that they really wanted to say to their parents. However, knowing we planned to have children of our own I required they behave at our house because I didn’t want my child hearing things like that. They weren’t allowed to say what their mom had told them about us for starters. My husband felt guilty, as do many parents who divorce and thought we should just let them act however they wanted, so the good cop/bad cop thing happened. We brought our daughter home on our 2nd anniversary, his kids were 11 & 13 and when our daughter was 2 weeks old their mom took them on vacation. When they came back it was chaos, the fighting and discord between the kids was so dramatic given what they were like before the trip that I knew their mom had told them something that upset them. So I asked if she had, she told them since their dad had another family now he didn’t love or want them anymore. We tried therapy, but the damage was done and as of today they have a relationship with their dad, but not me or our children. At one point our daughter had a relationship with them, but severed ties a couple years ago, which I stay out of because that’s their deal. I did ask her if she minded telling me why and she said it was just too complicated to try to have a relationship with them! As for our son, they were 15 & 17 when he was born. Both kids had moved away, so he doesn’t have a relationship with them for that reason. Bottom line, I’m the wicked stepmom, so it’s my fault. I’ve had things said to me by mutual friends of my husband and his ex that are really hurtful, but unless you are a stepparent you don’t understand that no matter what you get the blame.

Just be yourself! If they don’t like u whatever

OMG Stacey Roberts I am so sorry. What a lifelong ordeal to go through. My heart goes out to you. It’s very difficult to navigate blending a family. At some point, Mike Prochaska is right. You have to focus on what you can control, not what keeps coming at you that you can’t. Hopefully they will accept over time and realize you are not the bad guy and neither are your kids. Sending lots of good energy your way. 💗 Bagwell

Than you for your “condolences”! Mike is exactly right (and I love his real life contributions), I realized it wasn’t about me, it would’ve happened to whoever had my role. How they would’ve reacted is unknown, but for me as I’ve declared many times, am vehemently protective of my cubs and I wasn’t going to allow them to wreck havoc in their life. Disclosing the dynamics of my situation may make some uncomfortable, but I hope for others it helps them to not feel they’re not alone in situations such as this. I’ve come to the conclusion after 20 yrs of dealing with this that the better it looks on the outside the more screwed up it is on the inside! And again, I have to thank you for what it must’ve required to create 30Seconds. The magnitude of its platform that gives way to the level of exchanging information which it does is unprecedented. I’ve learned so much and been so inspired by all the contributions. As my 14 yr old son would say, “now that’s the stuff a Ninja Jedi is made of”!

Yes! Stepparenting is so hard, and as the only stepparent for a long time (between me, my husband and his ex) in our personal situation, my husband and his ex just don’t understand AT ALL how hard it is.

You’re spot-on, and I’m all too often the bad guy, no matter what I do in any given situation. I still feel like I have no clue how to do the “right” thing almost 11 years into it, so I just do what I do...it’s the best I can do.

Really well said! My husband is a "step parent" no one knew he wasn't my daughter's father however because he is amazing with her! He came into our lives when she was 13 months old.. we got married a yr later and he's right there with you! Cheering loud, having dates, having tea parties and also taking care of her when we were both sick, does homework and much more... favorite quote.. "I am not the step dad i am the dad that stepped up" he has a shirt that says that and it is sooo true!

This is so true! I struggled so much to find guides on how to transition into being a step-parent, how to be a great step-parent etc. but nothing existed so I followed my instinct, which like you was to cheer loudly, enforce our house rules and stand by them just like a biological mother would. It was not easy and I am sure I didn't do a lot right, but I listened to myself and to my family and somehow we made it all work.
Thank you for talking about this, and for giving us stepparents who want to thrive, a voice!