New Baby? 9 Essential Tips for New Moms & Dads (With a Side of LOL Funny!) by CaptainCrooks

Dads Baby
11 days ago
New Baby? 9 Essential Tips for New Moms & Dads (With a Side of LOL Funny!)

Hey, new parents! Parenting isn't for the feint of heart, and preparation is key. Here are nine things you need to know about babies – really!

  • Sleep whenever you can, wherever you can. Learn to sleep standing up also.
  • Leave the kitchen light on for midnight bottle runs and always wear pants to bed.
  • Practice carrying a 5-pound bag of potatoes under one arm everywhere you go. For added authenticity, fill the bag with 5 pounds of angry kittens instead.
  • For every trip out of the house, no matter how brief, carefully assess how many diapers/nappies you may need. Think of every possible contingency. Leave nothing to chance. When you've arrived at a safe quantity, double it, just in case. Babies are full of cunning and deceit.
  • Always take a bag of wipes everywhere and keep two packs in the car. NEVER run out of wipes in the car. If you do you may one day have to choose between your hands or the upholstery. You don't want this choice.
  • Wear puke-colored clothes.
  • Get used to being a mattress. Put on several extra pounds of cushioning fat so your baby will be comfortable and sleep longer, curled up peacefully in your spare tire.
  • Make time to spend quality moments with your partner. Use that time to sterilize bottles instead.
  • Learn to love cold coffee. It will save you a lot of heartbreak, long term.

Good luck!

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Donna John
Ha! You've got all of this right on, CaptainCrooks ! I took my son when he was about 6 months old to Fort Hood where a friend of mine was stationed. He was going to give us a quick tour, so thought I was safe without any extra diapers or clothes for my son. Nope. He "exploded" when we were talking through the cafeteria. We left ASAP. He was definitely full of "cunning and deceit," and a lot of something else. :-) You can never have enough diapers or clothes with you.
Elisa All Schmitz 30Seconds
Bahaha, Donna John ! We can laugh at this now, but I’m sure it wasn’t funny st the time!! CaptainCrooks
CaptainCrooks
Donna John my first child was just 9 days old when we made our first road trip and ran out of wipes at a critical juncture. That story about my hands or the upholstery was not made up...
Elisa All Schmitz 30Seconds
OMG, I am dying laughing! This is the best thing about babies I’ve read in a long time, CaptainCrooks ! I can’t get over this line: “Babies are full of cunning and deceit.” Ha!! So glad you shared. Welcome to our #30Seconds tribe. Can’t wait to read more from you! 😂
CaptainCrooks
Thanks Elisa, we have to keep our allies informed, so they are ready when the infant hordes slowly come crawling towards us, with mischief in their eyes and dribble on their chins. Hide the TV remotes!
Donna John
Yes! Can't wait for your toddler advice. Be sure to include that everything will be sticky ... everything. :-) CaptainCrooks
Kaspars Sprogis
Just finished my cold coffee! :)
CaptainCrooks
The fact that you finished it is impressive - I bet it tasted like victory!
Mike Prochaska
My coffee was always cold too
CaptainCrooks
Then you go to microwave it and find yesterday's coffee in there already...
Stacey Roberts
FYI we have a doc friend who’s a infection disease specialist with many yrs spent in Africa, his advice, use unscented baby wipes instead of antibacterial hand sanitizers. Sanitizers kill the germs that don’t matter and make the ones that do stronger. That said I’m a bit of a germ phobe so I’ve always had a pkg of wipes within hands reach. They even came in handy when I was in target with my daughter when she was 5. She was in the basket, leaned up over the edge and threw up. I quickly grabbed my pkg of wipes and a baggie and started wiping it up. Then she threw up again only this time she was leaning over the edge right above me. Yep, right down the back of my shirt. A target worker person saw and helped the best she could, but man was that a long ride home!
Stacey Roberts
Oh and when my 2nd was about 2 mos old I came within the skin of my teeth of brushing them with creamy A&D ointment
Ann Marie Gardinier Halstead
I love this, CaptainCrooks ! I think we can all relate!

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